In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on. ~ Robert Frost

Today marks six months since my mom passed away just about seven weeks short of her 91st birthday.  Some days it feels like forever and some days like it was yesterday.  As I scrolled back through my pictures to find the ones above, I realized life did go on.  I made it through my milestone birthday, her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s all without having my mom to visit or hug.

I could always count on her to be smiling and happy.  She had such a positive spin on life. The picture of my mom, Lucy, is from 2017 when we celebrated her 90th birthday.  My sister bought her the “Hang Loose” sweatshirt because when anyone asked Lucy how she was doing, she would always answer, “Hanging Loose.”

There is not a day goes by that I don’t think of her or talk to her.  She may not be with me physically, but I can feel her presence in so many little ways.  From the unexplainable  scent of her laundry detergent wafting through my family room to the cardinal that swoops just in front of my car on the way to work, I know she is looking over us.

Although I am sad some days, I try to emulate the way she lived.  She celebrated life every day. I don’t know how this grief thing is supposed to work when it comes to grieving your mother, but I know she wouldn’t want it to take over; she would want me to celebrate her by celebrating life.

Thanks Mom for holding my hand all those times I needed you for a shoulder to lean on, for words of wisdom, or for a good laugh.  Thank you for bringing so much joy into our lives.  I am remembering you tonight with a smile.

#livelikelucy

Love the game of baseball, and baseball will love you.  ~ Babe Ruth

When the Babe uttered those words so long ago, how could he have imagined how much baseball would love back the players in 2019?

I am a life-long Phillies fan.  Win or lose, I love to watch the games from the first crack of the bat in the spring until temperatures are cool again in the fall, but watching the contract negotiations of some players these last few weeks has left me shaking my head.

First it was the Phillies acquiring Bryce Harper to the tune of $330 million dollars for 13 years only to have him hit in the ankle by a 97 mph pitch during spring training.  I have never been a Bryce Harper fan probably because he played for the Washington Nationals, a division rival, however I have been listening to his interviews, and he seems to say all the right things.

Today rumors are swirling that the Los Angeles Angels and Mike Trout (a Millville, NJ native) are finalizing a 12-year deal worth $430 million.  That would keep Trout with the Angels for the remainder of his career dashing any hope that the “hometown” boy would make his way home and play for the Phillies once his contract was up in 2020.

I have to admit that I did get sucked into the Mike Trout fantasy, but who wouldn’t want the most talented player of his generation to come to their favorite team?  Yet, I cannot fathom how sports got to this point.  Big name players are paid exorbitant sums of money to play “a game they love.”  I am still trying to process my feelings – not that it matters to anyone but me. I know that lots of major league players do lots of great work in the communities surrounding their ballparks, but I can’t help but wonder – would they play the game for less money – just for the love of the game?  Maybe they could take a page out of Philadelphia Eagles defensive end Chris Long’s book and donate part or all of a year’s salary to organizations that promote educational equity.

I teach in a parochial school, so my salary is nowhere near the salaries of my counterparts in public school.  It doesn’t matter though because I really do “teach for the love of the game.”

Never let the things you cannot do prevent you from doing the things you can. ~Coach John Wooden

I am tired today, but I can check things off my “to-do” list.

My legs are hurting, but I can go to Aqua Fit class.

I cannot walk well when I first get up after sitting too long, but I can walk.

I cannot wrap my head around the violence in the world, but I can listen to the news and pray.

I cannot keep my eyes open, but I can finish this post.

Good night!

In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself. ~ Deepak Chopra

Yesterday, my daughter and her family came over for their monthly visit to help us clean out the clutter in our home.  Living in a house for 30 years can pack in the possessions.  We are not moving or downsizing; we already live in a small home, but  getting rid of things we don’t use is already making it feel much larger. I know Angela realizes that doing some of these tasks can be difficult for Chuck and me these days, but I also think she doesn’t want to deal with so much “stuff” when we are gone either.

Yesterday, we tackled the dining room and a closet.  You might not think that would be a large job, but it took a long time.  I have two boxes and a tote bag of various items plus a bag started with coats to donate.

Yesterday, I realized that we can’t keep everything; we have to let some things go.  After all, just how many cut glass candy dishes can one person use?  I had so many candles and plates and knick knacks that I hadn’t seen in years.  They were just taking up room in the drawers and server shelves.

Yesterday, I gave away things that previously I didn’t want to part with.  It wasn’t hard.  There were only a few things that I had to really think about or persuade my daughter and son–in-law to let me put in the keep pile.  I was proud of how quickly I could just say donate or trash.

Yesterday, I made space in my home and in my life for things that may be coming my way in the future. I’ve decided to only let in what I really need and and let go of the rest.

Happy Sunday!

The cell phone has become the adult’s transitional object, replacing the toddler’s teddy bear for a sense of comfort and belonging. ~ Margaret Heffernan

Today was one of those days.  Nothing really bad happened, but it didn’t exactly go as planned.  I planned to get a good bit of grading finished before I left school, but emails and phone calls had me running behind.  I had a 4:00 appointment, but I wanted to touch base with my principal before I left for the day.  I stopped in his office, had a brief conversation, and left school with exactly enough time to make it to where I was going.

Halfway to my appointment, I realized I forgot my cell phone.  I left it sitting on my desk at school.  For a few minutes I was a little panicky.  What should I do? I don’t have time to go back, would anyone still be at school if I called?  I vacillated between admonishing myself for being in such a hurry that I forgot it in the first place and reprimanding myself for feeling so lost without my cell phone.

Luckily, when I got to where I was going, they let me use their phone.  Luckily, my colleague was still in her classroom and was able to retrieve my phone and leave it in my mailbox, and luckily the outside doors at school were still unlocked when I got back there at 5:15.

I am home, and my phone is safe and sound on the coffee table.  I think I have some reflecting to do on my relationship with my phone.  I can do that later…after I finish my grading!

It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.  ~ Henry David Thoreau

Today started out as most days do lately, I hit the snooze button more than once, I stretched my very stiff legs, and eventually slid out of bed and hobbled my way to the shower. Mornings are difficult.  Some days I feel like the the tin man from the Wizard of Oz.  I want to cry, “Oil can.”

When I got to school I had to collect and bag up the 90 shamrocks I spray glittered before I left yesterday and clean up the mess I made while doing it. Eight members of the NJHS were visiting the local assisted living facility to play St. Patrick’s Day trivia with the residents. We were bringing the shamrocks to brighten up their rooms.

As the day wore on, my desk became piles on top of  piles, and I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to be able to finish grading. The end of the trimester nerves were beginning to set in.  By the end of the day, I was tired and starting to calculate how long it would be before I was home and able to put my feet up for a little bit.

It was finally time for me to head over to Springhouse Estates. Just like the last time, the kids were great.  They interacted with the residents, laughed at the way the women and one man  interacted with each other, and answered all the questions posed to them. We finished our planned activity a little early, so I asked the residents to offer the 8th graders some words of advice.

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

“Go to church every Sunday.”

“Dance,”

“Travel while you are young.”

These were a few of their pearls of wisdom.  As I listened I couldn’t help but be moved by the positive attitudes of these people who were on walkers, in wheelchairs, on oxygen, and motorized scooters.  They were so happy and kept thanking the students for coming to see them.  They were quick to share their stories, and the kids were attentive listeners.

Some mornings when my knees are locked from being in the same position all night,  or when I am pulling myself up the stairs at school one step at a time I feel old.  I wonder how I got to this place.  I teeter on the brink of falling into a deep abyss of despair. It would be easy to do.

But today I was reminded that how I look at things doesn’t matter; it is what I see.  Today I saw people who have experienced many, many things in their lives, and are not able to do the things they once did, but it does not stop them from finding joy in the little things each day.  It does not stop them from being grateful.

I am not negating my aches and pains because they are real and sometimes very intense, but I have to remind myself that I have so much to be thankful for.  I will keep the memory of this afternoon close to my heart, and when I get feeling sorry for myself use it to give myself a smack down.  These senior sages have reminded me that the moments slip by too quickly to see what is right in front of me.

Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. ~ David Bowie

I was the person who was always plagued with self-doubt.  I was contemplative when I wanted to be witty, academic when I wanted to be athletic, second when I wanted to be first. It seemed as though I was always in someone else’s shadow.  I wasted so much energy seeking someone else’s approval or affirmation.  I spent too much time looking outward and seeing all the things my friends and colleagues were achieving, while remaining blind to my own accomplishments. I took humility to a whole new level.  

In the past two years I have been through my husband making a job change and then losing that job, him finding another job and three months later having quadruple by-pass surgery, being a caregiver during his recuperation, struggling to make ends meet, losing my mother first to dementia and then to death, and then turning 60.

I think I am finally the person I should have been.  I love learning and honing my craft(s), but my work does not define me as it use to. It is the life lessons that have made me who I am today.  I know what is important and what isn’t, what I should be concerned about and what I shouldn’t, who will be there for me and who won’t.

As I have aged I have needed to lean on my husband, my children, my siblings, and my cane some days, but that is OK.  When I lay my head down on my pillow each night, I know that I have given the best that I could to my students, my colleagues, my family, but most importantly to myself.  I no longer need to search for validation.

Aging helped me put things into perspective, to see things with a clearer view, to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks I should do.  When you get to what you know is the second half of your life (or quarter or eighth) you think about time in a whole new way and with a whole new appreciation for its passing.

I am who I always should have been – a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a nona, a sister, a teacher, a writer, a friend. I have learned who I can count on, who will be there for me, and who matters most in my life.