Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. ~ David Bowie

I was the person who was always plagued with self-doubt.  I was contemplative when I wanted to be witty, academic when I wanted to be athletic, second when I wanted to be first. It seemed as though I was always in someone else’s shadow.  I wasted so much energy seeking someone else’s approval or affirmation.  I spent too much time looking outward and seeing all the things my friends and colleagues were achieving, while remaining blind to my own accomplishments. I took humility to a whole new level.  

In the past two years I have been through my husband making a job change and then losing that job, him finding another job and three months later having quadruple by-pass surgery, being a caregiver during his recuperation, struggling to make ends meet, losing my mother first to dementia and then to death, and then turning 60.

I think I am finally the person I should have been.  I love learning and honing my craft(s), but my work does not define me as it use to. It is the life lessons that have made me who I am today.  I know what is important and what isn’t, what I should be concerned about and what I shouldn’t, who will be there for me and who won’t.

As I have aged I have needed to lean on my husband, my children, my siblings, and my cane some days, but that is OK.  When I lay my head down on my pillow each night, I know that I have given the best that I could to my students, my colleagues, my family, but most importantly to myself.  I no longer need to search for validation.

Aging helped me put things into perspective, to see things with a clearer view, to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks I should do.  When you get to what you know is the second half of your life (or quarter or eighth) you think about time in a whole new way and with a whole new appreciation for its passing.

I am who I always should have been – a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a nona, a sister, a teacher, a writer, a friend. I have learned who I can count on, who will be there for me, and who matters most in my life.

Long friendships are like jewels, polished over time to become beautiful and enduring. ~ Celia Brayfield

Today was my turn to host book club. Seven of the ten “Chapter Chicks” were present for lunch, laughs, and a little bit of book talk.  We get together ten times a year to discuss books, but more importantly to discuss life.

We have been together for 15 years.  Over those 15 years we have each had our ups and downs, and we have always had each other.

We have experienced:

milestone birthdays –  deaths of a spouse – death of parents

birth of grandchildren – sicknesses of spouses – job loss

moves to new places – floods – fires

Wow, as I see it written here it almost sounds like the 12 plagues of Egypt!

Kidding aside, we have weathered many storms together.  We may not talk to one another between gatherings, but we are always together in spirit. It started as a book club and grew into a sisterhood.

~

 

 

The most important thing in the world is family and love. ~ John Wooden

I have had a challenging week physically, and I was beginning to feel like I was just trying to make it from one day to the next.  I was giving everything I had to my students and my responsibilities at school (which I love) and then finding that I had no energy left in the evening to do much of anything.

My husband doesn’t get home from work until after six these days,  so we eat dinner later now.  By the time dinner is cleaned up and lunch is packed (or thought about at least) I am just about ready for bed.  I was beginning to feel a disconnect from my husband and the world.

Today was different.  Chuck and I spent the whole day together.  We ran errands and got some things accomplished around the house. We ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. We talked to both of our adult children and more importantly to each other.  It was wonderful!  Tonight I am going to sleep feeling renewed and reconnected.

Unanswered questions aren’t threats: they’re challenges and catalysts. ~ Colin Wright

How can the student who never notices the homework assignments on the board
be the same student who sees the first snowflake and announces  it to the entire class?

How can the paper I looked for five times in the pile on my desk
be the same paper that showed up on search number six?

How can the earring that has been missing for a month
be the same earring that turned up in the pocket of my robe?

How can the outfit I put on for work and felt good in the this morning
be the same outfit I was roasting in by the time I got to work?

How can the bell bottoms and peasant shirts I wore in the 70s
be the same styles that are making a comeback 40 years later?

I don’t know how or why, but somehow they just are.

Health is not valued until sickness comes. ~ Thomas Fuller

My head is hurting; my throat is sore
I can’t wait to walk out the door

Can hardly swallow except for tea
I think there are germs attacking me.

Feeling crabby but don’t want to scold
I fear I may be getting a cold.

I don’t want to hear noise – not a peep
As soon as I get home – straight to sleep!

 

 

It’s the things we carry silently within ourselves which are the heaviest burdens. ~ John Mark Green

This morning we had a two hour delay. The drive to work was like a trip through a winter wonderland. That is until I took a closer look. Some of the trees were covered with snow that glistened in the morning sunlight, but others were not so tranquil looking. I noticed that some trees were bending and straining under the weight of the five inches of heavy wet snow that fell over night. Some even had broken limbs.

I started thinking about people and how many times we look around us only superficially. My students, my friends, my colleagues, people I just pass on the street or in a store – each of them may look carefree and happy, yet who knows if they are bending or straining under the weight of challenges? Who knows if they are feeling broken.

Sometimes we get so wrapped in our own lives that we may start thinking that we are the only ones with problems. Not that I think any of us should make light of our challenges, but we need to be aware that all is not what it seems and looks can be deceiving.

Today I learned another lesson from nature. As I go through my day, I will start to look around with a new found sense of wonder and compassion. Are there people who pass my way who need an ear to listen or a shoulder on which to cry? Are they bending and straining under an unbearable weight? Can I be the sunshine someone needs to melt some of that heavy burden? I hope so.

No winter lasts forever: no spring skips it turn. ~Hal Borland

Living in Pennsylvania you have to be ready for any kind of weather.  One day you can have snow; the next it is sunny and 60 degrees.  I wrote this tonight with the help of my daughter as we had a phone conversation commiserating about the falling snow and wishfully talking about warmer weather.  So far, just a two hour delay for tomorrow, but I am guessing that could change.

A walk in the park

Birds chirping

Cool breeze through the front windows

Dinner on the deck

Easter

Free Rita’s Water Ice

Green grass

Hatchlings

Insects emerging

Jumping in puddles

Kicking off outdoor activities

Lily of the Valley

Mother’s Day

Nests in the trees

Opening Day of Baseball

Paying Uncle Sam

Quacking ducks

Rainy days

Shedding of layer

Tulips popping up

Umbrellas

Violets

Waiting for the school year to end

X-tra daylight

Young seedlings

Zinnias

Life is not a matter of milestones, but of moments. ~ Rose Kennedy

Last night my youngest grandchild, Nolan, used a fork for the first time. He is 17 months old and a little ball of energy. His face was so intent as he maneuvered his plastic fork into each piece of pear on his plate and carefully raised it to his awaiting mouth.  I had a smile from ear to ear as he lifted his fork in the air and smiled and said, “Nona” in a “Hey,look at me” way.

I don’t remember if that was a milestone I wrote in his mother’s baby book or not.  She was my first, so chances are it may be in there. I am sure it didn’t get into my son’s baby book because I was not as diligent the second time around.

I am not one of those moms who can remember how old each child was when he/she walked or talked or said a first word, but I do have so many memories.  Some of them are firsts, but most of them are just everyday moments that are etched on my heart forever.