It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.  ~ Henry David Thoreau

Today started out as most days do lately, I hit the snooze button more than once, I stretched my very stiff legs, and eventually slid out of bed and hobbled my way to the shower. Mornings are difficult.  Some days I feel like the the tin man from the Wizard of Oz.  I want to cry, “Oil can.”

When I got to school I had to collect and bag up the 90 shamrocks I spray glittered before I left yesterday and clean up the mess I made while doing it. Eight members of the NJHS were visiting the local assisted living facility to play St. Patrick’s Day trivia with the residents. We were bringing the shamrocks to brighten up their rooms.

As the day wore on, my desk became piles on top of  piles, and I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to be able to finish grading. The end of the trimester nerves were beginning to set in.  By the end of the day, I was tired and starting to calculate how long it would be before I was home and able to put my feet up for a little bit.

It was finally time for me to head over to Springhouse Estates. Just like the last time, the kids were great.  They interacted with the residents, laughed at the way the women and one man  interacted with each other, and answered all the questions posed to them. We finished our planned activity a little early, so I asked the residents to offer the 8th graders some words of advice.

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

“Go to church every Sunday.”

“Dance,”

“Travel while you are young.”

These were a few of their pearls of wisdom.  As I listened I couldn’t help but be moved by the positive attitudes of these people who were on walkers, in wheelchairs, on oxygen, and motorized scooters.  They were so happy and kept thanking the students for coming to see them.  They were quick to share their stories, and the kids were attentive listeners.

Some mornings when my knees are locked from being in the same position all night,  or when I am pulling myself up the stairs at school one step at a time I feel old.  I wonder how I got to this place.  I teeter on the brink of falling into a deep abyss of despair. It would be easy to do.

But today I was reminded that how I look at things doesn’t matter; it is what I see.  Today I saw people who have experienced many, many things in their lives, and are not able to do the things they once did, but it does not stop them from finding joy in the little things each day.  It does not stop them from being grateful.

I am not negating my aches and pains because they are real and sometimes very intense, but I have to remind myself that I have so much to be thankful for.  I will keep the memory of this afternoon close to my heart, and when I get feeling sorry for myself use it to give myself a smack down.  These senior sages have reminded me that the moments slip by too quickly to see what is right in front of me.

 

 

 

 

Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been. ~ David Bowie

I was the person who was always plagued with self-doubt.  I was contemplative when I wanted to be witty, academic when I wanted to be athletic, second when I wanted to be first. It seemed as though I was always in someone else’s shadow.  I wasted so much energy seeking someone else’s approval or affirmation.  I spent too much time looking outward and seeing all the things my friends and colleagues were achieving, while remaining blind to my own accomplishments. I took humility to a whole new level.  

In the past two years I have been through my husband making a job change and then losing that job, him finding another job and three months later having quadruple by-pass surgery, being a caregiver during his recuperation, struggling to make ends meet, losing my mother first to dementia and then to death, and then turning 60.

I think I am finally the person I should have been.  I love learning and honing my craft(s), but my work does not define me as it use to. It is the life lessons that have made me who I am today.  I know what is important and what isn’t, what I should be concerned about and what I shouldn’t, who will be there for me and who won’t.

As I have aged I have needed to lean on my husband, my children, my siblings, and my cane some days, but that is OK.  When I lay my head down on my pillow each night, I know that I have given the best that I could to my students, my colleagues, my family, but most importantly to myself.  I no longer need to search for validation.

Aging helped me put things into perspective, to see things with a clearer view, to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks I should do.  When you get to what you know is the second half of your life (or quarter or eighth) you think about time in a whole new way and with a whole new appreciation for its passing.

I am who I always should have been – a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a nona, a sister, a teacher, a writer, a friend. I have learned who I can count on, who will be there for me, and who matters most in my life.

Long friendships are like jewels, polished over time to become beautiful and enduring. ~ Celia Brayfield

Today was my turn to host book club. Seven of the ten “Chapter Chicks” were present for lunch, laughs, and a little bit of book talk.  We get together ten times a year to discuss books, but more importantly to discuss life.

We have been together for 15 years.  Over those 15 years we have each had our ups and downs, and we have always had each other.

We have experienced:

milestone birthdays –  deaths of a spouse – death of parents

birth of grandchildren – sicknesses of spouses – job loss

moves to new places – floods – fires

Wow, as I see it written here it almost sounds like the 12 plagues of Egypt!

Kidding aside, we have weathered many storms together.  We may not talk to one another between gatherings, but we are always together in spirit. It started as a book club and grew into a sisterhood.

~

 

 

The most important thing in the world is family and love. ~ John Wooden

I have had a challenging week physically, and I was beginning to feel like I was just trying to make it from one day to the next.  I was giving everything I had to my students and my responsibilities at school (which I love) and then finding that I had no energy left in the evening to do much of anything.

My husband doesn’t get home from work until after six these days,  so we eat dinner later now.  By the time dinner is cleaned up and lunch is packed (or thought about at least) I am just about ready for bed.  I was beginning to feel a disconnect from my husband and the world.

Today was different.  Chuck and I spent the whole day together.  We ran errands and got some things accomplished around the house. We ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. We talked to both of our adult children and more importantly to each other.  It was wonderful!  Tonight I am going to sleep feeling renewed and reconnected.

Unanswered questions aren’t threats: they’re challenges and catalysts. ~ Colin Wright

How can the student who never notices the homework assignments on the board
be the same student who sees the first snowflake and announces  it to the entire class?

How can the paper I looked for five times in the pile on my desk
be the same paper that showed up on search number six?

How can the earring that has been missing for a month
be the same earring that turned up in the pocket of my robe?

How can the outfit I put on for work and felt good in the this morning
be the same outfit I was roasting in by the time I got to work?

How can the bell bottoms and peasant shirts I wore in the 70s
be the same styles that are making a comeback 40 years later?

I don’t know how or why, but somehow they just are.

Health is not valued until sickness comes. ~ Thomas Fuller

My head is hurting; my throat is sore
I can’t wait to walk out the door

Can hardly swallow except for tea
I think there are germs attacking me.

Feeling crabby but don’t want to scold
I fear I may be getting a cold.

I don’t want to hear noise – not a peep
As soon as I get home – straight to sleep!

 

 

It’s the things we carry silently within ourselves which are the heaviest burdens. ~ John Mark Green

This morning we had a two hour delay. The drive to work was like a trip through a winter wonderland. That is until I took a closer look. Some of the trees were covered with snow that glistened in the morning sunlight, but others were not so tranquil looking. I noticed that some trees were bending and straining under the weight of the five inches of heavy wet snow that fell over night. Some even had broken limbs.

I started thinking about people and how many times we look around us only superficially. My students, my friends, my colleagues, people I just pass on the street or in a store – each of them may look carefree and happy, yet who knows if they are bending or straining under the weight of challenges? Who knows if they are feeling broken.

Sometimes we get so wrapped in our own lives that we may start thinking that we are the only ones with problems. Not that I think any of us should make light of our challenges, but we need to be aware that all is not what it seems and looks can be deceiving.

Today I learned another lesson from nature. As I go through my day, I will start to look around with a new found sense of wonder and compassion. Are there people who pass my way who need an ear to listen or a shoulder on which to cry? Are they bending and straining under an unbearable weight? Can I be the sunshine someone needs to melt some of that heavy burden? I hope so.