Nine Months

~ rdicarne

Nine months.

39 weeks.

273 days.

3/4 of a year.

That’s how long it has been since I held the hand of the man whom I spent more than 3/4 of my life loving. I miss him every single minute of every single day.  Yes, I have been going through the motions, doing all the things, but he is always front and center in my heart and mind.

I miss Chuck more every day.  I miss his physical presence and being able to talk to him about the big things and the small, silly ones. I miss hearing his voice, calling him on my way home, and having him lovingly tease me. I miss opening the door when I get home and seeing him sitting in the recliner or standing in the kitchen prepping for dinner. This leaves me melancholy.

Sometimes it is difficult to stay present in the moment. When I am with my grandchildren, I keep thinking about how proud Chuck would be of them, how happy he would be to see them growing into themselves, and how tenderly they are taking care of me. When I am in other places with people, I look around and wish he could be sharing them with me. This makes me reflective.

As I move through my days, I think about what he would think or how he would react to certain situations. It is not always with sadness, though.  No, the kids and I lovingly add Chuck’s quotes to various situations, mimicking the way he would say them, the inflections. Imitation is the highest form of flattery after all. The last three nights, I have taken up his mantle of yelling at the TV while watching Phillies games. His blood pressure would have been through the roof, witnessing the ninth-inning comebacks. This makes me smile.

I will continue to go through the motions and do all the things until they become easier to do on my own. Grief is a sucker punch to the gut, but it doesn’t have to bring you to your knees every day. On days that it does, I just sit and let it have its way, other days, I pack it up and carry it with me.  This makes me stronger.

Love lives on.

19 thoughts on “Nine Months”

  1. This is powerful writing. When I saw the title I thought of a baby- nine months until they are born. Your grief is born again each day and borne by you in new and old ways. May your memories be a bit of comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Rita, I love how you say grief doesn’t have to bring you to your knees daily…that some days you pick it up and carry it with you. What a profound statement! Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this with us. Your love for Chuck and your strength in the face of grief are inspirational.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. Rita, your post leaves me feeling your deep and everlasting love for Chuck. I think you are doing an amazing job plowing through with living and loving every day. I do believe that love never dies; instead. it changes forms and focus. Please keep showering all that love on your children and grands and keep writing and sharing this chapter. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Your post brought tears to my eyes and a sense of warmth for you in my heart. You are doing the best that you can, after losing such an important person in your life. I hope have more “carry it with you” days than “sucker punch” days.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Rita, I also feel the emotions you feel. It is so difficult to remember the small things and the large events. Grief is not a favorite friend but yet it is there always, even when we don’t think about it. Your blog post is about a journey of love that has passed on. I tried to write a triptych poem as a challenge on Poetry Friday. Mine is in draft form but I’d like you to read it and perhaps create your own, first arrival, mid-years, now. https://beyondliteracylink.blogspot.com/2026/06/thinking-in-threes.html

    Please know that I am always available to talk or text.-Carol

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. I don’t really know what words to use, but I didn’t want to not write anything. If I knew you in real life, I would simply put my hand on your arm and sit beside you. Thank you for getting some of this into words….yours are so powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  10. Oh Rita, Your words are always so beautiful! My heart hurts so much for you when I read this.
    I know I can’t do anything to change what has happened, but I can always be a good friend and a good listener.

    You are strong and will continue to get stronger.
    Love you my friend! 🩷

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment