life

Another Sign

~ rdicarne ~ 4 Comments

Today started out a little shaky.  I had a scheduled appointment to have my car inspected and an oil change. It had to be done today because the inspection sticker was set to expire at the end of the month, and I would not be able to take it on Monday or Tuesday. Yes, I know, I was cutting it close, but believe it or not, this is the first time I have ever done this myself. (I’ve been telling you I was spoiled!)

I got to the dealership on time and went into the office.  Of course, I had to go back out to the car to get my insurance and owner’s card because I didn’t know I needed to bring them in. (duh) When it was my turn to step to the counter, the service manager said he wasn’t sure whether they could do the work today because their systems had been down for 30 minutes, and they weren’t sure when they’d be back up. Cue the tears. I apologized for my mini meltdown, explaining that my husband died six months ago and he normally took care of all car-related things. To make matters more complicated, I had to attend the funeral of my cousin in three hours. I told him I would take a chance and wait to see if the system came back up.  

Once seated in the customer waiting area, I began thinking of what I could do if the work couldn’t be done today.  A nice man tried to make small talk, saying he had called his wife and said it might be a long wait, etc.  I was having trouble talking without letting the tears spill, but he was so kind. We had not been sitting there more than five or ten minutes when the service manager came up and said they were good to go, the computers were up and running. I told the man that my husband must be looking out for me.

About an hour later, my car was ready to go.  I decided to say hello to our salesperson, Diego, before I left, because when Chuck took the car for service, he would talk to everyone in the showroom! While telling Diego how much I am enjoying my car (bought it new in July), I mentioned Chuck.  Just then, Diego said he got the chills.  Now I may be watching too much of The Long Island Medium, but that seems to be a sign of a deceased presence.

I paid for the service and drove out to the parking area, where I pulled into a spot and put all the papers neatly in the glove compartment, when what song came on the radio but “Magnet and Steel.” (Those who have read some of my earlier posts will know the significance of this song.) That was my sign that Chuck was with me today when I tackled another one of those dreaded “firsts.”

There are those who may think I am crazy, but I believe our loved ones are sending signs from the other side.  

A Widow’s Creed

~ rdicarne ~ 11 Comments

Six months down, a lifetime to go. Being a widow is hard. Taking on new responsibilities is hard. Living alone for the first time in my life is hard. Moving forward is hard. Being happy is hard. All of these things are hard, but not impossible.

Some days, it would be easy to give up, plant myself in front of the TV, and veg out. Some days I am up to the new tasks, but don’t always feel confident. Chuck was always my biggest champion, and he believed I could do anything I put my mind to, whether it was true or not. Sometimes I think he believed in me more than I believed in myself.

I am trying to overcome limiting beliefs that crowd my mind, especially on days when I am sad or tired. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life: learning how to live without my best friend and partner. Even though I don’t like or want this new life, it is all I have.  If I truly want to honor Chuck, I need to make the most of it. We were a team, and our motto was “We’ll figure it out.” I know I can figure this out with my faith, family, and friends, but more importantly, with myself.

I am working on believing in myself more.  Over these past six months, I have learned and continue to learn new things about myself every day. I started a list of things I believe (or want to believe) and still need work on.

  • I believe I will always miss Chuck immeasurably.
  • I believe he is close by and watching over me.
  • I believe life seems unfair sometimes.
  • I believe I am strong enough to take care of myself.
  • I believe I have a supportive community of family, friends, and neighbors.
  • I believe I am intelligent and still have gifts to share.
  • I believe I will be happy again in some form.
  • I believe God has a plan for me.
  • I believe in the power of yet.

Now I need to keep repeating these until I believe them without hesitation.

The Reluctant Roommate

~ rdicarne ~ 7 Comments

Dear Grief,

Do you know that sometimes you are a bully? I am really trying to learn to live with you, but you are not the best roommate. Don’t you see how much I am trying to navigate this world without my husband? You have to remember that I am new at this. It hasn’t even been six months yet, but you are relentless.

I can live with the sadness and melancholy you bring to the room, but why do you keep surprising me with punches to the gut like on the day that he died? Do you think I could ever forget that day? Those images are permanently embedded in my memory like scenes from a horror movie. It is difficult to be present and “stay in the moment” when you try to lock me in a time machine and bombard me with painful memories.

You are an opportunist—coming at me when I am tired or not feeling well, or on a day with special meaning. You never play fair. Just when I think I have discovered a way to cope with my fears, my uncertainties, my loneliness, you pounce. I once thought I understood you, but this grief is not the version I met when my parents or other family members passed away. This is often overwhelming.

Why do you suck up all the oxygen in the room sometimes instead of letting me breathe in the joy? You make me do things I don’t want to do – stress eat, doom scroll, ugly cry. You are a monster that is so hard to tame, reminding me that life as I knew it is gone, that who I was before is not who I am now. Sometimes you make me irritable and short-tempered; other times you bring lethargy and body aches. None of these helps me be productive. I know that I need you, but I don’t need so much of you.

They say the stronger the love, the greater the grief. Well, I am in real trouble then. They say this will get easier; I am not so sure, but I am willing to play along. Living with you for the rest of my life is not something I look forward to, but I am not a quitter. When I feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum and want to scream, “You’re not the boss of me!” I will try to remember that living with you is not a choice, but how much power I give you definitely is MY choice. I promise I will keep trying my best, but could you go a little easier on me?

Respectfully,

Your reluctant roommate

Eye Drops

~ rdicarne ~ 13 Comments

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my ophthalmologist for my yearly check-up after cataract surgery several years ago. I had taken the day off work and felt calm and relaxed when I left the house. Little did I know that the first exam room would trigger me and have me do mindful breathing before seeing the doctor. The tech did preliminary eye checks, including checking the pressure in my eyes. I asked her what my pressure numbers were, and they were great. So, where is the trigger, you ask?

My husband, Chuck, who died in September, also used this practice, although he saw a different doctor. He suffered from glaucoma, and so he was always looking for a good eye pressure number, and we would often compare numbers. Hearing my pressure numbers was enough to bring the tears that fall so unexpectedly these days. I was desperately trying to hold them back until after my appointment.

When the doctor came in and asked me how I was doing, I told her about losing Chuck and how the pressure numbers had set me off. She was very kind, and I made it through the appointment needing only one tissue.

As I was leaving the exam room to go to the front desk to check out, the young woman who was scribing for the doctor said she didn’t want to trigger me again, but that she usually worked with the doctor Chuck saw. She told me that “Chuck was great” and how much she enjoyed it when he visited the office. (He had been going there for years, but hadn’t been there since October 2024.) She also said, “Don’t worry, he won’t be forgotten.”

Now we were both crying, and she asked if she could give me a hug. Through the tears dropping from my eyes, I said that Chuck and I were high school sweethearts, and she said, “I know.” Of course, he had told her; he told everyone, I am now discovering. He was so proud of “us” and of our longevity as a couple and as soulmates.

My joy today is learning of yet another way Chuck brought joy to everyone he met.

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DAY 3

A Day at the Museum

~ rdicarne ~ 11 Comments

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to be part of a group sponsored by the West Chester Writing Project exploring place-based writing at the James Michener Museum in Doylestown, PA. Our facilitator for the day, Kaitlyn, shared a quote from the museum’s website introducing the exhibit.

“When Eric Carle was a boy, his father took him on walks in nature, peeled back the bark of a tree to show him the tiny creatures who lived underneath. “I think in my books, I honor my father by writing about small living things,” Eric Carle said. Animals and insects were a central theme in Eric Carle’s long career as a Picture Writer, a title given to him by a young reader. “To me pictures need writing and writing needs pictures. A child once called me a picture writer, and that’s a good way to describe me,” Carle wrote.”  

Kaitlyn shared Eric Carle matching game pieces and postcards as inspiration for our writing and then asked us to write about the bark peelers in our lives. Even though I am afraid of being too close to birds in real life, the bird drawings stood out to me.

I wrote about several people who have inspired me to go deeper into specific areas of my life. As I wrote on Saturday in my notebook, the bark peelers in my life believed in me and encouraged me to dig deeper and spread my wings.

As I enter this new chapter of life as a widow searching for joy, I am going to keep peeling back the bark to find it. On Saturday, I found joy in slowing down and looking at the art. Perhaps one day, the collective joy will give me the strength and courage to spread my wings again.

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DAY 2

Before & After

~ rdicarne ~ 12 Comments

There are moments in our lives that split time for us—we remember things as before and after these lines of demarcation. Some are simple and unrecorded in history, but they stand out vividly in my memory.

Before and After Color TV – I remember we were among the first to have a color TV because my grandmother lived with us and wanted one, so she bought one. We were so lucky to be able to watch Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan in color (just kidding… not so happy), but the trade-off was seeing the Saturday cartoons in living color!

Before and After the Remote Control – Before the remote control, parents treated kids like a remote control, having us get up and change channels for them. Afterward, there were squabbles over who got to control the remote.

Other instances drew a deep, heavy line that stayed with me forever.

Before and After the Assassination of JFK – I was in kindergarten, and I can still remember the day over 60 years later. It was a sort of loss of innocence in the sense that now I knew there were bad people in the world.

Before and After the Internet – I can still hear the dial-up service sound in my head. How exciting that we could look things up without going to the library, searching in the card catalog, and stretching our Dewey Decimal System muscles. Now, the Internet has places I want to protect my students and grandchildren from exploring, which is not as exciting.

Before and After Covid – Sometimes it is difficult to remember the world before Covid hit in 2020. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine such a pervasive virus, with people wearing masks and isolating. I realized how much I took for granted before the virus reached me here in Pennsylvania.

Before and After Chuck’s Death – This is obviously the most devastating “before and after” for me. Before, I was part of a couple, a pair, a team. Now, I am going solo. Before, Chuck handled all household maintenance; now it’s up to me to deal with contractors and service providers. Before, I had my other half, my soul mate, my best friend to confide in, ask for advice, lean on. Now, I need to learn to lean on myself, trust myself, and believe in myself now that my biggest champion is gone. I have family and friends to lean on and support me, but ultimately it is up to me to keep things going.

Before and Afters are hard. Change is hard. Life without Chuck is hard. I am not the same person I was before Chuck’s death. I am not quite sure who I am, but I know that my “after” self still has a lot to process and learn, but I also know that I can figure it out.

This is What Grief Sounds Like

~ rdicarne ~ 9 Comments

Music has always been an integral part of my life, having the power to evoke emotions, make me want to move my body, or conjure moments from the past. While driving back and forth to the hospital during Chuck’s 18-day stay, everything changed. Once I learned the gravity of Chuck’s condition, I could no longer listen to my usual music. Listening to the music of the 70s, 80s, and 90s—which once brought back so many happy memories of our dating days and early married life—now felt too painful, especially as I dealt with the uncertainty of the present. Yet a silent car ride left my mind open to spiralling into the deep, dark thoughts.

After Chuck passed, everything was heartbreaking, but especially listening to music. Classical and jazz instrumental music filled some of the musical void, but I needed more. I am not sure how it happened exactly, but I began a “grief” playlist on my music streaming service, and oddly enough, it was very comforting. Listening to these songs made me feel less alone – like someone else knew what I was going through – how much my heart was hurting.

The first song on my list is “I’m Not Okay” by Jellyroll. I remembered seeing him perform this song on a Grand Ole Opry special with a group of local Nashville students. Some songs came to mind organically, while others were researched online. You’d be surprised how many you find when you Google “songs about grief.”

Then I remembered one of my former students had messaged me shortly after Chuck’s death, sending me “Bigger Than the Whole Sky” by Taylor Swift because it had helped her through some difficult times, so that went on the list, too. Right now, my list stands at 53 tunes. It is a mix of musical genres. Some songs I knew, some were new to me. A few of the songs are not really about grief, but brought me solace, so they made the list as well.

These are some of my favorites.

  • “Supermarket Flowers” – Ed Sheeran
  • “I Will Not Say Goodbye” – Danny Gokey
  • “If I Would Have Known” – Kyle Hume
  • “Memories” – Maroon Five
  • “Beat You There” – Will Dempsy
  • “Slipped Away” – Avril Lavigne
  • “Beloved” – Mumford and Son
  • “Dancing in the Sky” – Dani and Lizzy
  • “For Good” – Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel
  • “Never Not Remember You” – Cooper Alan

I listened to this playlist all the time, especially when the thoughts of listening to Christmas music made me sick to my stomach. It’s funny how these songs never made me feel sad, only seen and understood. I am about four months into my grieving journey, and I have just started to be able to listen to some of our old favorite stations. Sometimes a song will make me melancholy, but little by little, I am finding some of them bring a smile to my face, especially when I hear Chuck’s inappropriate lyric changes in my head. (IYKYK)

Everyone’s grief is different. I lost my spouse and best friend, but maybe you are grieving another family member, a friend, a beloved pet, or the loss of a job. Whatever it is, there may be a song for you out there that will bring you some comfort. Why not try crafting your own list?

Feast of the Seven Fishes

~ rdicarne ~ 4 Comments

The Feast of the Seven Fishes is an Italian-American Christmas Eve tradition “stemming from Southern Italian Catholic fasting practices that abstained from meat before Christmas Day, known as La Vigilia.”

Christmas Eve was Chuck’s favorite night of the whole year! I can’t imagine my favorite night being the night I worked the hardest, but that was Chuck. Food was his love language, and keeping the tradition alive and watching his family enjoy it gave him great satisfaction.

In the early years of our marriage, we had Christmas Eve with my family, whose dinners centered around ham—not Chuck’s favorite. For ten years, we hosted Chuck’s family on Christmas Day, where Chuck recreated the Seven Fishes—shrimp, bacala, mussels, whiting, smelts, salmon rolls, octopus, and the star, fried calamari. Chuck also prepared a full Italian “Sunday” dinner: pasta, meats, and sides. The meal followed an antipasto and was always accompanied by good Italian bread for dipping. We lingered at the table for hours, and the dishwasher ran nonstop.

A couple of years after my dad passed away, Chuck and I took over the Christmas Eve festivities and the Feast of the Seven Fishes, and the big Italian “Sunday” dinner became our tradition with my mom, siblings, and their growing families. We have a small house, and once everyone was seated at the table, no one got up unless it was a real necessity. As the family grew, a kid’s table was set up in the family room. Yet, even with the cramped quarters, there was always room for another place at the table for anyone who needed a place to be on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve was sacred in our house. Chuck was a chef working in small retail venues, where he prepared food for sale in the markets. The weeks leading up to Christmas were super busy, and Chuck would often work 14-16 straight ten-hour days, but that never stopped him from preparing that Christmas Eve dinner for our family. My own children made celebrating with us on Christmas Eve a non-negotiable when they got married!

Eight years ago, Chuck had quadruple bypass surgery, which literally saved his life. That year, my sister and brother-in-law took over Christmas Eve hosting duties. Chuck still made the mussels, whiting, bacala, and of course, fried the calamari at my sister’s while they provided the other fish dishes. The Italian portion of the meal was replaced by the Polish tradition of ham and pierogi. Connie and Mike continue to host this night, which the entire family looks forward to.

This Christmas Eve will be bittersweet – our first without Chuck. The Feast of the Seven Fishes tradition will carry on thanks to my daughter, Angela, who is making the bacala and octopus salad, and my brother-in-law, Mike, who is making the mussels and bought an electric deep fryer to make the calamari. I am sure Chuck will be looking down on us, feeling proud and happy that his spirit and memory live on in the food, family, and fun of the evening.

Forty-six Days and Counting

~ rdicarne ~ 29 Comments

Forty-six days ago, I lost the love of my life. A trip to the ER for what we thought were simple GI issues began an 18-day hospital stay that ended with his death. As it turns out, Chuck had a rare upper GI cancer that had spread to his brain and bone marrow before he even exhibited any symptoms. He never had a chance.

Those days in the hospital were frustrating and exhausting. We began with such hope, and every day the red tape of the healthcare system eroded it. Waiting for bloodwork results, scans, procedures, and pathology reports was excruciating. By the time we had a diagnosis, it was time to say goodbye and let him go.

I thought that night was the worst night of my life, but little did I know the days ahead would be even harder. Once the numbness of the traumatic hospital experience and the funeral wore off, the grief took hold of me.

Chuck and I met when I was fifteen and he was seventeen. We were high school sweethearts who stood the test of time and celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary this past August. This coming December would have been 52 years together—practically my whole life – and he was my entire life! I don’t know how to do life without him.

Although my commute home from school is only 10 minutes, I called him every day, and we talked until he saw me pull into the driveway. We loved being together and were best friends. Every facet of our lives meshed together like a well-oiled machine. Now my life has come to a screeching halt.

Even though I am back in the classroom, and my students brighten my days, I am struggling to make sense of the unimaginable loss. How will I find the strength to move forward without Chuck by my side? My head knows that grieving takes time – lots of it, but my heart is broken, and the sadness often consumes me.

Writing has always been a way for me to process life and feelings. Below is the first poem I wrote since Chuck’s death. I am sure that writing will help me through this grieving process. Thank you for letting me share some of it with you.

Cancer came like a marauding pirate
Cunning, ruthless,
Pillaging my lover’s body
Plundering life as I knew it.

No time to climb to the crow’s nest 
And plan for the fight
No time to batten down the hatches
We were hit broadside.

Casting me into a sea of devastation,
I am a rudderless vessel, 
whirling in an eddy of grief
unable to fathom the loss.

A veil of sadness covers my days
Marooned on an island of despair
My body anchored to the weight of my grief
Dehydrated from the deluge of tears.

Adrift and disoriented,
I am lost in the daily struggle
of disbelief and loneliness
Drowning in heartache and pain.

Love you forever!

Finding Purpose

~ rdicarne ~ 5 Comments

Getting older is not for the faint of heart. It brings new aches and pains, medical issues, and many hard decisions. All of that can feel overwhelming at times, but getting older also brings new freedom—well, at least it has for me.

I subscribe to Beth Kempton on Substack (https://bethkempton.substack.com/) and have taken a few of her online workshops. Beth sends out a Soul Circle Journal Note to her subscribers each week. It focuses on one word and how it relates to our writing practice. This week’s word was PURPOSE. Beth’s words have stuck with me since I read them on Monday.

“If we always force ourselves to begin with the purpose of a thing before any words have flowed onto the page, we are in danger of (1) missing out on what it could be because we are too attached to what we think it should be.”

Getting back to aging. Beyond my writing practice, I started thinking back to my purpose/s in life over the years and how much time I wasted on what I thought “should be” instead of focusing on what “could be.” My younger self was constantly worried about being a good enough student, friend, wife, mother, or teacher. How did I measure up to everything and everyone around me?

I have no regrets, but I could have been more open to taking a few risks or trusting myself more. Now that I am in the fourth quarter of this game of life, I realize that I don’t worry much about the “should be” but focus instead on what “could be.” I am coddiwompling (traveling purposefully toward an as-yet-unknown destination) through life and leaving myself open to what “could be.” Never could a younger me be able to let go and wander without a travel plan. That only came with the wisdom of age.

**Coddiwomple is my OLW for 2025.