Forty-six Days and Counting

~ rdicarne ~ 29 Comments

Forty-six days ago, I lost the love of my life. A trip to the ER for what we thought were simple GI issues began an 18-day hospital stay that ended with his death. As it turns out, Chuck had a rare upper GI cancer that had spread to his brain and bone marrow before he even exhibited any symptoms. He never had a chance.

Those days in the hospital were frustrating and exhausting. We began with such hope, and every day the red tape of the healthcare system eroded it. Waiting for bloodwork results, scans, procedures, and pathology reports was excruciating. By the time we had a diagnosis, it was time to say goodbye and let him go.

I thought that night was the worst night of my life, but little did I know the days ahead would be even harder. Once the numbness of the traumatic hospital experience and the funeral wore off, the grief took hold of me.

Chuck and I met when I was fifteen and he was seventeen. We were high school sweethearts who stood the test of time and celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary this past August. This coming December would have been 52 years together—practically my whole life – and he was my entire life! I don’t know how to do life without him.

Although my commute home from school is only 10 minutes, I called him every day, and we talked until he saw me pull into the driveway. We loved being together and were best friends. Every facet of our lives meshed together like a well-oiled machine. Now my life has come to a screeching halt.

Even though I am back in the classroom, and my students brighten my days, I am struggling to make sense of the unimaginable loss. How will I find the strength to move forward without Chuck by my side? My head knows that grieving takes time – lots of it, but my heart is broken, and the sadness often consumes me.

Writing has always been a way for me to process life and feelings. Below is the first poem I wrote since Chuck’s death. I am sure that writing will help me through this grieving process. Thank you for letting me share some of it with you.

Cancer came like a marauding pirate
Cunning, ruthless,
Pillaging my lover’s body
Plundering life as I knew it.

No time to climb to the crow’s nest 
And plan for the fight
No time to batten down the hatches
We were hit broadside.

Casting me into a sea of devastation,
I am a rudderless vessel, 
whirling in an eddy of grief
unable to fathom the loss.

A veil of sadness covers my days
Marooned on an island of despair
My body anchored to the weight of my grief
Dehydrated from the deluge of tears.

Adrift and disoriented,
I am lost in the daily struggle
of disbelief and loneliness
Drowning in heartache and pain.

Love you forever!

Requiescat in Pace

~ rdicarne ~ 13 Comments

Just over a week ago, I awoke to learn that Pope Francis had died. Since then, I have been in mourning, feeling like I lost a grandparent whom I looked up to. There have been six popes in my lifetime, but Pope Francis has made the most significant impact on me. Why? Because he walked the talk.

As a cradle Catholic, I love the universality of the Church’s rites and rituals. As a 39-year Catholic school teacher, I am also keenly aware of the opinions and criticisms of the Catholic Church. Some are valid; some are not.

Like most people, my religious life has had ebbs and flows – never my faith life, though, that remained unwavering. In the past 12 years, under the guidance of Pope Francis, I found a renewed sense of hope. How he interacted with children, people experiencing poverty, and those on the fringes of society made this empath’s heart so full and happy.

There are many Catholics who believe Francis was too liberal, much the same way many thought his predecessor, Benedict, was too conservative. My feelings toward Pope Francis stem not from his policies for the Catholic Church but from the example he set through his actions. Pope Francis was the people’s pope who preferred a simple room in a Vatican guesthouse over a luxurious papal apartment. He was a model of simplicity and humility.

While Pope Francis did not rewrite the laws of the Catholic Church, he tended to follow the spirit rather than the letter of the law. That is what I loved most about him.

Over the past week, I was amazed to see all of the lives Pope Francis touched, especially those of other faiths. The outpouring in the news and on social media was astounding. What a legacy and example he is leaving for the world. If we could all be as inclusive and caring as Pope Francis, what a world this could be.

Tax Day

~ rdicarne ~ 3 Comments

April 15th is Tax Day. They say the only sure things in life are death and taxes. It is a day that people who owe taxes dread and those who receive refunds enjoy. Paying taxes is not the highlight of anyone’s financial life, but have you considered the other “taxing” things in your life?

While paying taxes might drain our bank accounts, many other things in life drain our “Well-being” accounts. These well-being taxes take their toll on us in many ways—physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Unlike the taxes imposed on us by the government, we have some control over the well-being taxes.

It’s not easy, but we must remember to take stock and mitigate the cost of these taxes on our mental and physical health. Are we working too hard, or do we have a healthy work/life balance? How about our relationships? Are they strained with family, friends, or our partners? Are social pressures and comparisons making us feel the need to conform? Are personal health struggles taking their toll? I am sure you could add to the list.

The weather in my area is finally beginning to show signs of spring, and thoughts of spring cleaning are in the air. The winter doldrums are in the rearview mirror, and I am ready to face decluttering, cleaning my home, and making deposits into my “well-being” account. How about you?

Let’s find ways to give ourselves “tax breaks” and boost our “well-being” accounts. I am calling this the REGROUPING ERA!

Full Moon Rising

~ rdicarne ~ 1 Comment

There is a full moon happening this Saturday, April 12th. It is the Pink Moon, named for the wild ground phlox flower. I love the moon in all phases (except when I teach on the day of the full moon). It is mysterious and romantic.

Beth Kempton’s SoulCircle (A writing group I belong to on Substack) provides me with a Journal Note each Monday that focuses on one word. This week’s word was MOON in honor of the coming full moon. Beth asked, “What would you like to release with the full moon this week?”

As I researched more about the PINK moon, I encountered an entire ritual centered around the full moon. I am not into rituals except those I engage in as part of my religion, but I found the list to include things I either already do or would like to do more.

  • Moon bath: I love soaking in the tub.
  • Journal: Obviously
  • Reach out to your family: That would create a habit of a once-a-month connection.
  • Honor your ancestors: We can never stop being grateful for those who came before us.
  • Meditate: I am trying.
  • Treat Yourself: I see a chai latte in my future.
  • Rest & Relaxation: I am always up for this duo.
  • Release the past: This is one I continue to work on.
  • Cleanse your space: Yikes, are there hidden cameras in my house?
  • Eat a nourishing meal: It’s always a good idea.
  • Crystals: Set them out so they get energized. I don’t own any crystals.

What intrigued me the most was releasing the past, which was related to this week’s SoulCircle question. What do I want to release? I am not sure, but I will ponder it as the week progresses. I will not write it down and burn it as some sites suggest, but I will write it down and perhaps rip it up to physically let it go.

What will you release with the PINK full moon?

Learn and Thrive

~ rdicarne ~ 3 Comments

The warmer weather and the start of a new month have made me feel more optimistic than I have in a long time. This month, I look forward to a baby shower, my nephew’s wedding, and a gathering with family on Easter Sunday.

Armed with a renewed sense of writing energy, I am trying my hand at writing a poem each day, pushing my limits and growing. Completing the SOL challenge has made me realize how much joy writing brings me. It also helps my mental health.

I am also more optimistic about reclaiming my health – physically, spiritually, and mentally. New MRI results and a script for PT have set me on a path to prioritizing my health and wellness. This girl had a “Snap Out of It.” moment. I am determined to make the last quarter of my life the best quarter possible.

Here’s to thriving!

Another One in the Books

~ rdicarne ~ 11 Comments

The challenge ends today, but I don’t want the consistency in my writing practice to end. These past thirty-one days have shown me that I can set and achieve a goal by consistently prioritizing it. I made room each day to write and post. While I know I won’t be posting every day, I want to stay connected with the other writers in the community and post on Tuesdays each week.

I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts from around the world. I appreciate the thoughtful comments on my posts and the wealth of inspiration I have received.

A couple of other areas in my life could use a little consistency, so I will stop procrastinating and start making room each day for those other things that need attention. Completing this challenge has reminded me that I can accomplish anything I want. It won’t be easy every day, but nothing worthwhile is easy.

On to the next challenge – a poem a day in April!

Five Things

~ rdicarne ~ 8 Comments

This format caught my eye during the Slice of Life Challenge, so I wrote it in my notebook to use later. Unfortunately, I don’t know whose blog I saw it on because I forgot to write that information down. Whoever you are, thank you for sharing it.

Five Things About Me
I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together for over 51 years and will be married for 45 years in August.
I live in the Philadelphia suburbs and am a die-hard Phillies fan.
I love to write essays and poetry. I belong to a poetry writing group at my local library.
I hate to cook. My husband is a retired chef, so I have no need to cook, thank goodness.
I want to learn to speak Italian. I have a 150-day streak on Duolingo.

Would my answers be different if I wrote this on another day? Humm.

A Satisfying Saturday

~ rdicarne ~ 7 Comments

My day is busy right from the start

Yes, it is full, but so is my heart. 

Today, I get to see all of my Grands

Just need to show up and follow the plan. 

Honors Band Concert

Lunch

Time to chill

Windows open

Cool breeze

Bird songs

Watch the Phillies game

Pizza

Dairy Queen

Puzzle time

Kid talk

It is a perfect way to spend a Saturday! 

A Friday Surprise

~ rdicarne ~ 6 Comments

Yesterday,

Yesterday, franki22 wrote about little surprises; today, I received one!

One of my work friends, Kathy C., surprised me with a gorgeous book of poetry. It was the perfect way to end a week of standardized testing that felt more like two weeks.

Kathy and I often give each other book recommendations, and we have talked about starting a book club at school but haven’t followed through.


I told her I joined a poetry writing group at my local library, and she told me she reads a poem every night before going to sleep. Kathy bought herself the same book of poetry, so maybe we could have a poetry club to discuss poems instead of a book club.

As I said, it has been a long week, and that poetry anthology awaits me downstairs. That makes for a short Friday night post.

It’s Baseball Time!

~ rdicarne ~ 8 Comments

It’s my favorite day of the year—MLB’s OPENING DAY. Baseball makes me nostalgic for simple summer days when arguments were usually smack talk between a Phillies fan and a Mets fan. I love watching baseball and hearing the crack of the bat and the ball hitting the catcher’s mitt. It is music to my ears. I can put the world’s worries on a shelf for a few hours and cheer (or yell at) my favorite team. Life is good.

Opening Day of MLB
Phillies Phans are Pheeling Phine
Energized for another season
Nine innings of nail-biting nervousness
Insurance runs a plus
Never count us out
Going yard – ring the bell

Day game or night
America’s Pastime lives on
Young & old alike