We were on a path together that included retirement, more time with family, more time with each other, and casinos – always casinos. This time last year, I had no idea that the path would end abruptly, and I would have to find my own way. This time last year, we were dreaming about what adventures that path would take us on, imagining a life of no alarm clocks and making our own schedules. But here I am having to find my own way, not sure which way to go.
People ask how I like retirement, but the truth is I don’t know yet. I’m used to having summers off, so the change won’t feel real until September, when the school year doesn’t begin. This summer is a time for self-reflection, as I face two major changes: building a life without teaching and life without Chuck.
Nearly nine months since Chuck passed, I am still learning how to be on my own. Survival mode has kept me moving, but as numbness fades, the reality and emotions of loss become clearer. I know I must learn to manage the house and my time on my own, and I’m considering how to spend my days meaningfully instead of just distracting myself.
September will be here before we know it, and I want to find a rhythm to my days. My main questions: How do I want to spend my energy as I move forward? What is important to me? Who is important to me? Losing Chuck has made me realize that life is much shorter than we think, and that time wasted on unimportant things that don’t make a difference in our lives isn’t worth our time or energy. I have less tolerance for bickering over silly things and fretting over small details. Situations and things that once held a prominent place in my life have lost their luster. I may not have a “new normal” yet, but there certainly is a “new me.”
This summer, I am leaving myself open to the possibilities, the spontaneous invitations, the unscheduled days. I am exploring what life as a retired widow could look like. I have definitely lost my path, but I am hopeful that I will find my way.
Rita DiCarne 
What a brave and honest post. I’m sure you will find your way – open to all summer possibilities. I look forward to reading about your journey.
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Such a powerful post and a powerful ending! I retired last June, and even after a full year, I’m still figuring out what this new reality entails. I hope you don’t mind if I follow your lead with the following: “This summer, I am leaving myself open to the possibilities, the spontaneous invitations, the unscheduled days.” I definitely could use that advice since I find that even after retiring, I’m somehow always busy.
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Go for it!
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Rita,
There is so much power in your reflection:
I’m glad you will have more space and time in retirement to find your way.
Thank you for sharing your thought process.
Your reflections are always so thoughtful. I know you will make good decisions for yourself, your family, and your community.
Take care,
Sharon
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Thank you.
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I like your last paragraph. There are many possibilities open to you. Going it alone can be scary, but there is so much support out there. Summer is a good time to take stock nd be open to whatever comes your way.
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I love this for you. I think anytime someone has a major life change, and losing Chuck is certainly that, it is good to sit with it a while, until you figure out what feels right to you. I am looking forward to reading more about what is ahead for you.
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Big hugs as you stand at the crossroads, knowing Chuck is ever present just not physically here. Have you ever considered joining a travel club? I’ll bet that there are other women who may be on similar paths who would welcome your company and share how they are finding their way.
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Another interesting idea!
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I appreciate the openness of your wonderings and potential wanderings. I firmly believe that our paths are just simply where we are standing right now….
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Interesting thought.
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You do have a lot of possibilities ahead. Summer is a good time to enjoy unscheduled time and consider which possibilities call to you.
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