When you get to a certain age, death rears its ugly head more frequently. You notice it more and start thinking about your own mortality. Chuck was not afraid to die. I know this from conversations we had well before he fell ill. He was adamant that God put him on this earth for a purpose. Why else would God have “saved” him three times?
Chuck was born in 1956, five days after his family arrived here by ship. Initially, his family was to sail on the Italian ocean liner, the Andrea Doria, in July of that year, but they were able to secure an earlier passage in May. Thankfully, this was the case because the Andrea Doria was involved in a collision with a Swedish ocean liner, the Stockholm, off the coast of Nantucket. Forty-six people on the Andrea Doria died, fifty-one total. That was life number one for Chuck.
Months later, Chuck’s mom found herself dealing with a screaming 18-month-old who was inconsolable. The doctors found nothing particularly wrong with Chuck, but his mom persisted. He was her fifth child, and she knew this wasn’t normal behavior. Even though his mom could not speak English, she found a way to make her concerns known. Her “mother’s intuition” was correct. Chuck needed an emergency appendectomy. Without that surgery, he could have died as a toddler. That was life two.
Fast forward to 2017. Chuck complained of chest pain (which he had had for a week already). There is a post about this “adventure here:https://ritadicarne.com/2017/09/26/the-heart-of-the-matter/. Long story short, Chuck needed a quadruple by-pass. The main artery of his heart, the Widow Maker, was 99% blocked. The cardiologist said that Chuck was lucky to wake up each morning with the number of blockages in his heart. That was life number three.
Chuck was a good man with a heart of gold. Don’t get me wrong; he was not a saint, and this is not a canonization. Chuck worked hard at his job/s and always gave 150%, working long hours when necessary and taking great pride in a job well done. When it came to his family, it was more like 200%. He would help whenever asked, no matter what the task – assisting a brother with a move, or catering a family event, or one of the countless other favors. You could also find Chuck bringing water out to the landscapers in the heat of summer, or hot chocolate to the plow drivers clearing our cul-de-sac after a winter storm, that was just who he was. Chuck was especially good with older people. He was patient and kind, listened to their stories, and told some of his own, making each person truly feel appreciated.
When Chuck would bring up his “many lives,” I would tease him, calling him a cat with nine lives. I could only hope, but that was not to be. While I miss Chuck beyond measure, I do find comfort in knowing he was not afraid to die. I don’t know if it was the fact that his parents died young (Mom 49, Dad 61) that he didn’t expect his own lifespan to reach the high numbers, but he was very much at peace with how his life unfolded.
There are so many feelings that surface while grieving the loss of a spouse – anyone, for that matter. I know I have felt unbearably sad and cheated, not being able to wrap my head around the question – “Why now?” Someone recently said to me, “Life is not fair, but God is just.” If I lean on my faith, I know that it is true, but I am not there yet. I hope that when my time comes, I can say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7), and I won’t be afraid either.
Rita DiCarne 
I believe writing and sharing your stories about your husband is an important part of grieving. What a wonderful person you were lucky to share a lifetime with.
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This is a slice that is a testament to your relationship and to your adept skills as a writer. I will sit with the wisdom of Chuck’s legacy revealed through these words for a long time. May his memory always be for a blessing.
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Rita, I so enjoyed reading so much about Chuck. The way you moved this story with historical elements and the amazing recoveries were so fascinating.
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This is powerful, Rita. You challenge so many notions that so many of us have somehow imbibed but should seriously question. You shine light on what our facile preconceptions shadow. I admire your strength and wisdom. Blessings to you and to Chuck’s memory.
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Rita, this is a powerful piece sharing the realities of grieving the loss of your dear Chuck. The way you started this “story” with Chuck’s multiple times of hanging onto life in spite of the situation at hand, reminded me that we all have many times when we probably skirted the end that we don’t even realize! Powerful. I hope you have found some peace in sharing what is a life-lesson-slice-of-life. Prayers for you all
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I had so many thoughts while reading your post. I appreciate the honesty and truth you share about your experiences. I hope if I end up where you are, I am able to share my grief journey, knowing others will take comfort in it.
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Good post.
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7) I love that one.
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Rita,
Thank you for sharing these stories about Chuck. I feel privileged to get to know him through your writing.
I once saw Anna Deveare Smith perform a live show about death and dying in a small theater. In case you’re not familiar with her she is an amazing actress and playwright. She has created plays about several complex events and issues — the L.A. riots, the Crown Heights riots, the school to prison pipeline. In each case, she interviews many different people and crafts a show in which she acts out many different perspectives using only the actual words of people she interviewed. Yale University’s Medical School asked her to do a show on death and dying. I saw the show over a decade ago and only once, but so much of it has stuck with me. The part that I have found most helpful was the interview with a hospice worker. He said that people often ask him what death is like and worry about how they will handle it. He explained that death is a stressful life event and that people handle it the same way that they have handled other stressful life events–reacting with humor, compassion, anger, fear, avoidance, calm, etc. depending on their personality. I’ve found that insight to be both reassuring and true as I have dealt with the death of family members. Here’s a little about Anna Deveare Smith: https://www.neh.gov/about/awards/jefferson-lecture/anna-deavere-smith-biography and here’s some info about “Let Me Down Easy:” https://www.pbs.org/wnet/gperf/let-me-down-easy-about-production/1226/
I’m glad that Chuck was not afraid to die and that you had discussed that before his illness.
Grieving is hard. Sending you peace and love and a fierce hug,
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Thank you for sharing the information about Anna Deveare Smith. I will definitely be looking into her. The words of the hospice worker were comforting. Chuck kept his sense of humor until he was unable to communicate. 😊
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Rita, what an amazing tribute to faith (and to Chuck). In a few days I will celebrate my second anniversary of life. On December 12, 2003, I had an 8-hour heart surgery which we all knew was very high risk. I truly faced death and I can say I learned that I am not afraid to die. We have such a marvelous hope in Jesus! And I must add, I have much comfort in that hope when my heart was made raw as it grieved one I love. Thank you for sharing!
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Correction of typo: the year was 2023.
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We celebrated Chuck’s “new” birthday, 9/22, for the past eight years. I am glad you are still celebrating yours!
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I hate to comment on the writing craft of such a powerful piece, but the way you wait to tell us that you lost your spouse really adds strength to your piece. Deep sympathies. I appreciate how you are thinking through his experience and working towards acceptance. It surely must help, knowing that he lived well and was not afraid. I hope to be able to say the same. PS the Mark Twain quote is a good opener.
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Wow, Rita! So powerful and true. What an amazing story. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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