music

Every Good Thing

~ rdicarne ~ 7 Comments

Last week, I was watching the Hallmark movie, To Philly With Love. One line struck me, and I wrote it in my journal.  “Every good thing in my life traces back to the day I first met you.” It has been rolling around in my head all week because it rings true for me.  Every good thing in my life traces back to the first day I met Chuck. Everything. He was my “once-in-a-lifetime” love.

This first week of summer is feeling different. This is my first summer in 52 years that I won’t be spending it with Chuck, another “first.” I don’t like these “firsts,” but I think I will like the second and third even less. I know that life will never be the same for me, and whether I like it or not, life keeps going.

I am doing my best to practice living in the moment and learning to relax while still accomplishing what needs to be done. These past eight and a half months, I have been in survival mode, working and doing the minimum to keep the house and myself running. Even with my great support system, it has been hard as hell. Now it is time for me to begin to figure out what my life is going to look like.  I hate even typing those words because I want my old life, but as the Rolling Stones say, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well, you just might find, you get what you need.”

While I was sitting on my deck this morning, I saw a beautiful bright red cardinal swoop across my yard not once but twice, into the arborvitae at the far edge of the property.  I wanted to believe it was a sign from Chuck, saying he was happy I was using the deck we had refloored last summer but had never had the chance to sit on together. Not long after, a female cardinal flew out of the arborvitae and perched on one of the fence posts. She was quickly followed by her partner, who seemed to check on her, then fly off, with her following behind. That is my sign. I know I need Chuck, and I know in my heart he is looking after me.

Here

You should be here for the next leg of the journey.

It was never yours or mine but always ours.

I refuse to carry on without you.

I only know how to live with you.

your strength

your encouragement

your smile

your love

You were the glue when I was falling apart,

my cheerleader no matter what the score.

You believed in me when my confidence faltered,

and lightened the mood when I was too serious.

You spoke the words I needed to hear,

and listened when my only words were tears.

So I carry you with me,

in my heart, my head, my soul.

I am forever yours.

You are forever mine.

This once-in-a-lifetime love is ours.

Love in Song Titles

~ rdicarne ~ 11 Comments

Chuck was the biggest Elvis Presley fan I know, and through his love of “The King,” I became a fan too. Chuck liked to think he had Elvis’s dance moves, and I have to admit, he really could dance and was never afraid to let his moves loose on the dance floor.

For the longest time, Sunday mornings were synonymous with Elvis. Chuck would listen to the “Elvis & Friends” radio show hosted by Rockin’ Ron Cade and enthusiastically sang along. It aired from 7:00 to 10:00 AM, and he would listen after attending 7:00 mass – a faithful Catholic and a faithful Elvis fan.

One of our bucket list items was to travel to Memphis and visit Graceland when I retired. That trip will remain untaken, but I will keep listening to Elvis and maybe even sing along (as long as no one else is around to hear). When I hear Elvis, I hear Chuck serenading me, and it makes me smile.

Below is a snapshot of our love story told in Elvis Presley song titles. There is no sadness, just joy.

“Are You Lonesome Tonight?”
Yes, yes, I am. I am missing
the love of my life, Chuck,
and I had a “Blue Christmas” without him.
I am living in the “Heartbreak Hotel.”
Chuck was my “Teddy Bear” and is
“Always On My Mind.”

We were high school sweethearts.
And I was “All Shook Up”
after our first date.
I told my girlfriends that I
“Can’t Help Falling in Love” with him.
They had “Suspicious Minds,” but
I told them, “Don’t Be Cruel.”
I assured them that he wasn’t a
“Hound Dog,” and I wasn’t going to
“Return to Sender.”

“If I Can Dream,” I can remember
our “Burning Love” and how
he would “Love Me Tender.”
My beloved Chuck, I will
always remember
“The Wonder of You.”

SOLSC#26

DAY 6

This is What Grief Sounds Like

~ rdicarne ~ 9 Comments

Music has always been an integral part of my life, having the power to evoke emotions, make me want to move my body, or conjure moments from the past. While driving back and forth to the hospital during Chuck’s 18-day stay, everything changed. Once I learned the gravity of Chuck’s condition, I could no longer listen to my usual music. Listening to the music of the 70s, 80s, and 90s—which once brought back so many happy memories of our dating days and early married life—now felt too painful, especially as I dealt with the uncertainty of the present. Yet a silent car ride left my mind open to spiralling into the deep, dark thoughts.

After Chuck passed, everything was heartbreaking, but especially listening to music. Classical and jazz instrumental music filled some of the musical void, but I needed more. I am not sure how it happened exactly, but I began a “grief” playlist on my music streaming service, and oddly enough, it was very comforting. Listening to these songs made me feel less alone – like someone else knew what I was going through – how much my heart was hurting.

The first song on my list is “I’m Not Okay” by Jellyroll. I remembered seeing him perform this song on a Grand Ole Opry special with a group of local Nashville students. Some songs came to mind organically, while others were researched online. You’d be surprised how many you find when you Google “songs about grief.”

Then I remembered one of my former students had messaged me shortly after Chuck’s death, sending me “Bigger Than the Whole Sky” by Taylor Swift because it had helped her through some difficult times, so that went on the list, too. Right now, my list stands at 53 tunes. It is a mix of musical genres. Some songs I knew, some were new to me. A few of the songs are not really about grief, but brought me solace, so they made the list as well.

These are some of my favorites.

  • “Supermarket Flowers” – Ed Sheeran
  • “I Will Not Say Goodbye” – Danny Gokey
  • “If I Would Have Known” – Kyle Hume
  • “Memories” – Maroon Five
  • “Beat You There” – Will Dempsy
  • “Slipped Away” – Avril Lavigne
  • “Beloved” – Mumford and Son
  • “Dancing in the Sky” – Dani and Lizzy
  • “For Good” – Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel
  • “Never Not Remember You” – Cooper Alan

I listened to this playlist all the time, especially when the thoughts of listening to Christmas music made me sick to my stomach. It’s funny how these songs never made me feel sad, only seen and understood. I am about four months into my grieving journey, and I have just started to be able to listen to some of our old favorite stations. Sometimes a song will make me melancholy, but little by little, I am finding some of them bring a smile to my face, especially when I hear Chuck’s inappropriate lyric changes in my head. (IYKYK)

Everyone’s grief is different. I lost my spouse and best friend, but maybe you are grieving another family member, a friend, a beloved pet, or the loss of a job. Whatever it is, there may be a song for you out there that will bring you some comfort. Why not try crafting your own list?

Morning Muse – Music

~ rdicarne ~ Leave a comment

“National Memory Day on March 21 is a day celebrating the brain as a function of the human body that helps us to recall events and retrieve experiences from the past.” https://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/national-day

This morning on my drive to work I was listening to WRTI classical music when I was suddenly transported back to college by the opening notes of Georges Bizet’s Farandole from L’Arlésienne, a piece I played as a member of the string bass section in the Chestnut Hill College orchestra. For the next four minutes I “sang” along with a “bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, badadadum” picturing in my mind’s eye the entrance of each section of the orchestra.

Although I haven’t been a member of an orchestra in over 44 years, I could close my eyes (which I didn’t because I was driving) and be on that stage – one small part of a wonderful ensemble. Music memories are some of the strongest and fondest in my memory diary.

For your listening pleasure!

The Piano Man

~ rdicarne ~ 3 Comments

I have been a Billy Joel fan since high school in the 70s. Some of his music is melancholy and moody which gels well with teenage angst. Joel is a classically trained pianist and has amazing keyboard chops. The piano player in me dreamed of being able to play his “Root Beer Rag” but it was much too complicated, and I gave up. While I love Billy’s piano playing, the storytelling in his lyrics draws me in and moves me.

One night last week I was up too late and caught Billy Joel on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. After some small talk, Colbert noted that Billy Joel’s iconic and signature song, “Piano Man” was 50 years old. “Piano Man” was released on November 3, 1973. How can that be 50 years ago? I was a sophomore in high school!

Billy took a job playing piano at a bar called The Executive Lounge, under his first and middle name, Billy Martin in Los Angeles in 1972 to pay the bills. “Piano Man” is a memoir of sorts. Colbert asked Joel if he knew that “Piano Man” would be such a fan favorite, and Joel responded that he didn’t even think the song was that good. It was in waltz time (3/4) and the lyrics were like limericks. Limericks? How did I miss that?

Limerick Format

“And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar / and put bread in my jar
And say, ‘Man, what are you doin’ here?'”

“Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke / or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be.”

Well I’ll be darn, many verses are in limerick format! Maybe it’s not just his musicianship and storytelling that makes me such a huge fan. Maybe it’s because he is a poet.