life

I tried my best, but my best wasn’t good enough this morning. Upon arrival at the hospital for my scheduled MRI, I faced some challenges. I didn’t have my work order, so I had to call the doctor and have them fax it to the hospital, which was easy enough, but then, at the actual check-in desk, they told me I wasn’t capitated to this facility by my insurance. After waiting two months for the appointment and writing sub plans for my sick day, this is not what I wanted to hear. The woman at the reception desk was very friendly and checked a few things and discovered that I could get my MRI at this facility.

After only one wrong turn, I found my way to radiology and even ran into a woman who had gone to high school with my kids. She made sure I made it to my destination. The radiology techs were pleasant while they reviewed my intake questionnaire and showed me where to change into a hospital gown.

I went into the testing area and did not look at the ominous MRI tube. I proceeded to lie on the table, have a washcloth placed over my eyes, and headphones over my ears with some deafening music. The tech was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear her. Everything was happening so quickly. The panic button was in my hand, and the table started moving. By the time my elbows hit the sides of the magnet, I was a goner.

My breath started quickening, and my heart was racing. I pushed the panic button and said, “I can’t do it!!” The tech had to take me out of the machine. I felt defeated and apologized profusely. Both women were kind and caring, telling me I was not the first to have this happen and suggesting which facility would work better for me. I went back into the cubicle to redress and headed for home.

I made the two-minute walk to my car, and my breath slowed a little. On the way home, my mind vacillated between working on deep breathing and beating myself up for failing. Too rattled to stop and get the chai latte I promised myself, the car carried me home on autopilot. I know it’s not the end of the world, so I am giving myself some grace.

Next stop – open MRI!!

#SOLC25 Day 3/31

Be present in all things and thankful for all things. Maya Angelou

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it is about food, family, and football. There are no presents to buy or wrap, no candy to put in baskets, and no high expectations. Yet, it can still cause me anxiety. Why?

Maybe it is the memories of my childhood Thanksgiving, when the turkey was never finished roasting on time and tensions ran high.

Maybe it is the memories of the Thanksgiving of my early parenting days when the turkey at my parents’ house still wasn’t finished on time, and we stressed over whether our hungry kids would “behave.”

Maybe it is the memories of hosting Thanksgiving dinner and all the people stuffed into my little house. Once you sat down at the table, you didn’t move until it was time to clear the plates for dessert. Maybe it is the memory of the first time we gave up hosting to the next generation. I’m not really sure.

I know that I have nothing to worry about this year, yet I can feel anxiety trying to get in on the action. This year, my kids and their partners are collaborating on dinner, and we will sit down to eat at my son’s house – next year at my daughter’s. And just like that (well over the last few years), the Thanksgiving feast evolved.

This year, I will fight the “what ifs” and that pesky anxiety. The goal is to be present and enjoy each small thing. I am looking forward to the smell of turkey, the laughter of my grandchildren, and the chance for all ten of us to share a meal. Happy Thanksgiving!